Welcome to Lessons from Psychedelics Substack. My aim is to bring together the knowledge of my journey with psychedelics, a journey from self-hate to self-love.
I overcame steroid addiction, suicidal thoughts, body dysmorphia, and childhood trauma using a combination of psychedelics and therapy.
I want to begin with my story without the smoke and mirrors and masks I used to put on—how I came to be here now and how I came to forgive others, let go of life-long trauma, and more importantly, how I managed to forgive myself.
All I have known is self-hate; I may not have been acutely aware of this, but it was there. I’m 39 now, and I think I only started getting comfortable with who I am in my 36th year. I was just different, and however much I tried to fit in, either I was rejected or I just had this burning feeling that it wasn’t who I am.
I’m the experimental type; you name it, and I’ve probably tried it, either to better myself or to numb the feelings of self-hate and rejection you get from being a member of the LGBTQ+ community in this world.
Looking back on my childhood, a lot of people knew I was gay before I did. I was overweight, gay, and ginger, and neither of these were accepted. Life was just a confusing hell. I couldn’t work out why everyone was so against me for just being me, so most of my youth was lost.
I was a complete loner, and rather than try to fit in at school, I just isolated myself and withdrew. I remember having to do an aptitude test at an all-boys school (my parents sent me here so I wouldn’t be distracted with girls) on my first day, and I was so anxious that I messed it up that the teacher just looked at me and said "You’re not very clever, are you?". That stuck with me most of my adult life, and so I just gave up and got very mediocre grades in school. My saving grace was the internet. I remember the dial-up speeds and trying to find peace in my living hell with the occasional pleasure of downloading the 'Hunk of the Day', which took about 2 minutes to load, but more importantly, finding chat rooms for members of the lgbtq+ community.
My father was largely absent and still is; he would be described as so much of a narcissist that he would rival Trump. He was at one point a very successful businessman, but his ego matched his success, and he lost it all. Adding to this multiple affairs and alcoholism, it eventually led to divorce. So I didn’t exactly have model parenting.
I have one brother from my mother and father’s marriage. We never saw eye-to-eye when we were younger, but we became close when we both came out of the closet—he was gay too. I kind of knew, but I was more of a recluse than him. He was out and proud at 17 and living with his boyfriend in our home. I remember my mother telling me, "you’ve got to get married and have kids now". I just looked at her, startled. I didn’t want to burden her with all that she was going through. I eventually came out when I was 20.
It felt like the pins holding me down in life were slowly releasing, and I started to find my footing and a whiff of confidence to start to make friends in the LGBTQ+ community. I even had my first same-sex relationship with a guy who I thought was the one at the time.
Fast-forward a bit: I moved to the big smoke, where I began work as a drug addiction counsellor in South London. I loved this job initially, as I really thought I was helping people, but I grew tired of it when it became all about funding and statistics. Here I saw the power of nutrition—even just giving someone a healthy meal—and the impact it had on their day. In addition to this, I had some underlying digestion and skin concerns, I had started training at the gym more and was curious about sports nutrition, so I decided I wanted to become a nutritionist. This led me to study nutrition, and soon after graduating, I changed careers.
I found myself out a fair bit on the gay scene, and it swallowed me up a bit. I became very conscious of the way I looked and would live for the weekend. I dated a few boys, but it all ended the same way. At the time, I didn’t know why I couldn’t hold down a relationship, but now I know it was because I just didn’t love myself. I wasn’t even conscious of the fact that I needed to, perhaps because of my chaotic family history or childhood trauma.
I just never had an anchor of security, so naturally I was anxious in relationships and did things I didn’t really want to do so my partner didn’t leave me. It led me to experiment with drugs to both fit in and numb feelings and also use anabolic steroids because I felt I had to in order to find love and be accepted—body dysmorphia. I’d go out on the weekend and just feel so incredibly lonely, but it looked as if I was having a good time.
After I graduated from nutrition school, I saw a natural fit to work with my brother and form a company. He is a meditation teacher, so it seemed perfect to join forces and create a retreat company. It was a lot of hard work, but it became very successful, winning awards and attracting very affluent individuals from across the globe. None of this really validated me, and I didn’t like the smoke and mirrors facade we portrayed with these clients. After a few years, cracks began to form in our relationship, and with the help of his boyfriend at the time, I was forced out of the company and left with nothing but thousands of pounds in debt. For me, it was the ultimate rejection; the person who I thought was my ally betrayed me and chose water over blood. I’m sure it also tore my mother apart that her two sons were at war with each other. I left the company in 2017 and started over, but I had hit rock bottom, one thing led to another and I was lost in suicidal thoughts on a daily basis.
I remember just going about my day numb and lifeless, but on the surface pretending everything was fine—the same pattern I had when I was a child and teenager, something I kept up until very recently.
I’m very lucky to have found an amazing therapist who I have seen for about 5 years now. I reached out to him when there was some anxiety, which I couldn’t understand where it was coming from, and when my business was destroying my mental health. I’m forever indebted to him for turning my life around and, most importantly, for putting me on the road to self-love. This cleared the clouds in my mind and made me realise what I wanted to do with my life. I had been a nutritionist for 10 years by this point and decided I wanted to write a resource in the best way I knew how to help others in the LGBTQ+ community just love themselves a bit more. Even just by eating better or being more knowledgeable about their bodies, it can make such a difference in loving yourself. I went on a gay cruise in 2019 and told myself that it was time to sort my life out and that when I got back, things would be different. As soon as I said that, the idea for Naked Nutrition came into my mind, and I was so elated and motivated that I just wanted to get home and start brainstorming. The rest is history, really.
After 4 years of therapy, I understood the workings of my mind, but I had such deep trauma. I wanted to explore forgiveness, but before, I couldn’t bring myself to even approach the topic. However, I was aware that I no longer wanted to be surrounded by hate or resentment for my brother and my father, and more importantly, I had enough of hating myself. A friend suggested I try magic mushrooms, as they have recently been on a retreat abroad where they are legal and supervised, and I thought they really helped clear embedded trauma.
So off i went, I was a little nervous as i’ve never tried a psychedelic before, I only had experience with drugs where you retain control, I remember saying to the supervisor that I was scared because i am going to cry (I mean i was so afraid of letting go). I let go, and I was flooded with forgiveness, both for myself and for others. I even saw the parts of me that others had a problem with, and I was remorseful.
I went back a few times for a mushroom retreat, and each time I learned more about myself while having a profound respect for plant medicines. I then decided it was time to try ayahuasca, so I booked myself on an ayahuasca retreat, and with the supervision of a shaman, I was really able to be almost reborn. It was like a rollercoaster of ego loss where you're almost baptised in forgiveness at the end.
The Japanese have a term called kintsugi, the art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold, embracing flaws and perfection. I wouldn’t be who I am today without going through what I have. Self-love is a daily practise; there are days when I don’t feel confident and worry about not fitting in, but now I work with it rather than against it, and self-soothing is a lot more of a natural instinct than before.
Ayahuasca and mushrooms were consumed in a safe and legal setting under the supervision of a professional, which is essential. They are not a replacement for therapy, which is also essential for integration.
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Thank you for taking the time to read this
Oh my. I can’t read this without tears. So much resonates with me and my own sons journey ❤️
Beautiful Daniel! ❤️ Thank you for opening your heart 🌈